You know, sometimes things are just shitty. Life throws us too many things at once to deal with and more often than not, things become overwhelming. I’m really a believer in faith. I pray, wish, hope, and dream about most things in my life, and sometimes I do ask ‘why?’ I ask, and although I will never understand the why’s that make up our days, at this moment in my life why is becoming a daily struggle for me.  I try not to dwell on the bad things that happen, but sometimes those things take hold of me. I’ve come to realize that I’m allowed to have bad days/weeks/months and still be a good wife, mom, friend, sister, and daughter.

In June of this year, we decided to try for baby number two. Knowing that my husband was finally ready to try again brought me so much joy. We have both always wanted two children and the time just seemed right. As many of you know, the trying part is a lot of fun, and we actually got pregnant the very first month we tried. I was shocked when I read PREGNANT on that test, and the look on my husband’s face filled my stomach with butterflies. He was laying in our bed and I said, “honey, I’m pregnant” to which his head popped up and he said, “seriously?” with the cheesiest smile he could muster. I was over the moon excited. No fear entered my mind this time, and I didn’t hesitate to tell my parents, sister and Logan, knowing that he probably wouldn’t understand but I was just excited. I swear, the minute I read pregnant is when the morning sickness started. I was nauseous all day long. This experience was already different than when I was pregnant with my son. I was sick with him, and pretty much everything I ate came back up. Nausea this time around was kicking my butt for sure. I was sick all day and crashed as soon as I got home from work. My husband seriously is amazing. He took care of everything… our son, dinner, laundry, cleaning the house, and just doing anything that needed to be done so I wouldn’t have to. It’s the every day things that become so routine that you don’t even think about because you just do them. He stepped up after working all day and never once had a complaint. For as sick as I was feeling, I was glad to be feeling that way. I know it sounds strange but because I was so sick with my son I just knew this was a good sign for this pregnancy. I powered through work as best I could and eventually had to tell my bosses why I looked and felt so crappy. I wasn’t as sly as I thought, since they both said they assumed I was based on my behavior, and of course congratulated me on the spot, and offered their best wishes.

Fast forward a few weeks to our first ultrasound. I was a little bit nervous, but also really excited. After waiting what seemed like an eternity, we were called back into the ultrasound room. The minute I looked at the screen, I knew we lost the baby. There was no beating heart, just my perfect baby laying ever so still. Even writing about it now takes my breath away. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN AGAIN? I had zero signs of miscarriage, AGAIN, yet it was happening. The room was spinning and I just remember wanting to get out of there. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see any pregnant women in the waiting room. I just needed to get out. Unfortunately, I had to talk to a doctor before I could leave and wouldn’t you know it, mine was on vacation. I had been through this before and knew I wanted to have another D&C as soon as possible, but I could barely form the words. I was a complete mess. I was screaming why in my head so loudly I can’t even tell you everything that the doctor said to me that day. The next afternoon, I had my second D&C. It’s the weirdest feeling to be pregnant one day, and not pregnant the next. I had hopes and dreams for this baby the minute I found out. Our dream of two children was becoming a reality. I was already designing a gender neutral nursery in my head, and so excited to be pregnant for the holidays. Instead, I felt like a deflated balloon for weeks. This time around, the loss was harder for me. I didn’t feel like I could fully grieve because I had to be happy and play with my son. Not sit in bed for weeks and just lose myself like I really wanted. I pulled away from everyone. I didn’t return texts or e-mails from friends. I didn’t explain why, and of course everyone around me is pregnant. I had to deactivate social media for a good month before I could really look at a pregnancy status and not completely lose it. If I’m being honest, it was a nice break.

Being pregnant is one of the best experiences of my life. It shouldn’t fill your mind with the fear of loss, or that something could go wrong at any given minute. I keep thinking, “Jesus, it’s 2018, WHY DOES THIS STILL HAPPEN SO FREQUENTLY?” I mean, 1 in 4. I like those odds when it comes to a lottery, but not to a pregnancy. This loss has really just made me sad. You may be thinking, “duh,” but I’m trying to get back in my routine and want to try for another baby but, fear is a real bitch. No matter what I tell myself “bad thoughts out” “everything is going to be fine” “we will have our baby when it’s time” I still am scared out of my mind, and yet getting my period this month almost killed me. Gut wrenching pain so bad that I made myself sick.

I’ve been thinking about how we are as a society. I can’t tell you how many people have asked me “so you guys ready for another?” or “are you trying yet?” lately. I know these aren’t malicious questions, but for me it makes me re-live what is still so fresh in my mind. I’m guilty of asking people these questions. I didn’t know how common loss was before I experienced it myself and really started to do my research. I feel like it’s a stigma today because it’s painful to talk about – especially having gone through it myself, but I also feel like it should be discussed so other women know that it’s not their fault that it happened. After this loss I still found myself googling to see how this miscarriage could have been my fault. Although it wasn’t my first lost, and my OB stressed that it’s just something quite common that happens, it doesn’t make it easier to accept. It’s like the saying goes, “you never know what someone else is going through, so always be kind.” I was just asked last weekend if I was ready for another and I remember getting this huge lump in my throat, swallowing hard, and responding with “sure are!” trying to muster up the best smile I could while literally screaming inside. It’s a feeling that never really leaves you.

If I could give any advice it would be this, don’t lose hope and it’s okay to cry. On my worst days, I still pray for strength. I pray to be strong for my husband, my son, and most importantly for myself. I try my best to start my days with gratitude and remember the things that I prayed about for years. Many of those things I have today. When our plans go awry, sometimes we forget about what we have because we are focused on what we want in the moment. It doesn’t make this loss any easier for me, but perspective is important in life. We all experience loss in many forms. None of which are easy, and some completely shatter us. I’m working on putting myself back together, and to anyone who shares my experiences, I hope you are too.

I have two angel babies, 09/17/2014 & 08/01/2018 who will forever be in my heart.

Xo,

M.