After we lost our first baby, I didn’t know how to feel, but I knew that I wanted to talk to an outside source about it. Someone who didn’t know me, or didn’t need to walk on eggshells around me because I was such a mess. What I didn’t want was to see a therapist that would hand me a prescription and send me on my way. I wanted to feel my pain. I wanted to grieve, not mask my emotions. I had never been to therapy, so I’m not saying all therapists work this way, but for some reason I wanted to try alternative therapy for my first go around. “Healing therapy” with energy cleansing and meditation seemed like the perfect path for me to take. I dove in head first and although I had never been to therapy before, I knew the minute I met her she was going to help me. Although her practices weren’t what most would call the norm, I took what she said to heart and I truly left each session feeling better than the last. I learned about meditation and chakra cleansing, and I honestly felt lighter every time I left a session. I did about five sessions and a few months later we were pregnant with Logan, and for a long time I credited her for that.

Fast forward four years and another miscarriage. I sought out the same therapist, made my appointment and for some reason during the days leading up to my session I was on edge. I was nervous to see her, and didn’t know why this was because she helped me in such a positive way before. Well, time is an amazing thing. Time helps some of us heal and grow, while on the other hand can be harsh to others. I beat my therapist to her office and as she was walking up I could tell she was different from the last time I saw her. In all fairness, it was four years ago – but something just seemed off. When we made eye contact she said she remembered my eyes and that she was excited I made an appointment with her. I sat down and felt totally uncomfortable.

Fast forward 3 minutes into my session. I explained to her that I didn’t really want to do a lot of talk therapy, that I would rather have the chakra cleansing and meditation but that the main reason that I was there was because I had just experienced another miscarriage. Right out of the gate, she told me that I shouldn’t have more children. Yes, you read that correctly… a certified therapist told me not to bare anymore children. Not because I’m a terrible person or bad mother, but because our world isn’t safe, and that there is a reason why I lost our baby.  Before I could even respond she went on and on about the state of the planet and how terrible things are. She spoke of the end of the world and honestly I was lost in my own thoughts for a few minutes. The audacity of someone in a position to help people tell me something so cruel, I just sat there fighting back my tears. I didn’t want her to know she had broken my spirit in that moment. She did end up telling me that I have my own free will and that I can choose to conceive, but that it’s not safe.  I can tell you right now, I’m choosing to conceive.

I left the appointment and drove home in a state of shock. I messaged a few friends and my sister on Marco polo and I sort of lost it. I went to work through my grief, to unload worries and fears that I carry around, only to leave confused and if I’m being honest more worried than before. I don’t care if she has a crystal ball that tells her the exact day the world is ending. I don’t want to know. I want to live every day, choose joy and live in the moment. I want to bring another child into this world. Some of you may think I’m crazy for entertaining the idea of alternate therapy, but I know with such certainty that she helped me through my first loss. What I don’t know is what she has gone through over the last four years to make her project her anger/fears/hostility onto her patients. That’s what makes me sad. The one thing she told me that stuck was to listen to my intuition. It didn’t make sense to me that day, but after I processed the experience, I realize that the reason I was nervous for my appointment was my intuition telling me not to go. I thought about cancelling up until the day before, but I’m the type of person who makes a commitment and sticks to it. So, I guess if I could take away anything from my latest failed therapy session it would be that. Follow your intuition.

As I’m writing this post I’m taken back to that day. I wish I would have stood my ground. I normally do this, but I was so shocked at her responses that I could do nothing but sit in silence. I’m pretty certain that I will never go back to her for therapy, but I know how important therapy can be. Just like with most things… restaurants, doctors, spas, schools, there are really really really great ones, but for every great one there are just as many terrible ones. I do have another take away. If my recent experience was my first experience with therapy, I know that I would be worse off. At my first visit, I was so fragile and broken that if she had told me to not have children I probably would have let her influence me in some way. This time around, although it did get to me and upset me to my core(hello, I’m human), here I am. Standing strong and trying for another baby.

So I say to you dear reader, don’t let anyone steal your joy! I know that we are meant to experience things in our lives. Some great, some not so great, but it’s how we deal with them that makes us who we are. I hope that I never have to experience another miscarriage. I wish this for every woman who wants a child. Although I let her opinions hinder me for a few days, today I choose joy. Always choose joy.

Xo,

M