I was supposed to meet my baby last week. Today, I should be adjusting (again) to newborn life. Enjoying the sleepless nights and witnessing Logan becoming a big brother. Instead, I’m reminded that this isn’t my reality. The waiting game is hard. I read something that said once you are able to talk about something without crying, then you have moved on. I can’t say that I fully agree with this, but I guess it makes sense with some losses in our lives. I can talk about our losses today, and I don’t always cry, but that doesn’t mean that the devastation has subsided.

Recently, I had a close friend tell me that she’s expecting. Of course I am happy for her, as she’s been trying for a while to conceive, but it still stings. No matter how long I am stuck in my grief, it doesn’t mean that others are stuck with me. I can’t expect them to be, and it’s a hard pill to swallow. Like with any loss, there is a grieving period. Friends and family check in on you frequently, then not so much. Life unfortunately moves on, and so do others. It’s a harsh reality. I want to be stuck in my grief bubble. I want to stay home and pull the covers over my head and cry on some days. I want answers. I want to understand why this has happened to us again and again.

As I write this, I glance up to see a photo of me and Logan making his squinty face and my heart immediately bursts with happiness. I am blessed. I am lucky to have a healthy 3 and a half year old son who brings sunshine to my life on a daily basis, and a husband who loves me and supports all of my endeavors. I haven’t lost sight of that, and I know many women have struggled for months and others for years to conceive to no avail. It still hurts.

It’s heartbreaking every month to get your period. It’s heartbreaking to see pregnancy announcements on Facebook. The pit I get in my stomach almost makes me ill each time. I want to celebrate with friends, as I would expect them to celebrate with me. It’s just hard, and I’m learning that it’s okay to be upset. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care about others or their happy news, whatever it may be. There is no manual on how to grieve properly. There is no amount of time that is the “right amount” of time to move on or get over something horrible that has happened to you. Today, we are all about instant gratification, and when society moves like this, it’s hard to not get swept into the madness and start doubting whether you are in the right place in your life.

Take heart friend, I know my day will come and so will yours in whatever form it does, but until then I will continue to research and pray for healing. For myself, and for others.

 

Xo,

 

M