I have started this post about seven different times throughout this year, but I could never bring myself to finish it due to the fear in my heart. On October 29th, that fear subsided when my second rainbow baby was placed in my arms after twelve hours of labor. We had our second miracle.

I have written about miscarriage before since my husband and I are no strangers to three devastating losses. However, this time when I saw that positive test, excitement entered my heart followed by crippling fear. The fear of another loss. The fear of failing to give my husband another child. The fear that something, anything might go wrong. Fear is a real bitch. When I shared the news with Frank, he was excited, but I could tell he was scared too. We talked and decided that whatever happened with this pregnancy, that this would be the last time we would try. If this baby didn’t make it, that would be it. Frank expressed that he didn’t want to see me like that again. That he COULDN’T see me like that again. My loss, was his loss. It was our loss, and each time was more unbearable than the last.

I was okay with our decision, but it also made me extremely anxious. Anxious at each appointment, each blood draw, every single day I was anxious. I was counting down the days until I was in the ‘safe zone’ but even when I reached it, I was still a ball of nerves on the inside. Not only was I a head case, but this pregnancy was HARD. I was extremely sick, had placenta previa, and all sorts of aches and pains this time around. I was so uncomfortable almost my entire pregnancy. I hated complaining because I knew what it was like to want a baby so badly and have it not happen. I knew that there were so many women who can’t conceive, or have experienced losses of their own. I knew that there were women out there who would give anything to experience the pain I was experiencing, so I tried to check my thoughts/complaints/emotions as best I could. I thank God for my husband because he picked up the slack during my entire pregnancy. Taking care of our son, the house, dinner, laundry, I mean everything without one complaint. (Thanks, honey). Frank is the true definition of a rock star husband. Although marriage isn’t about keeping score, I can honestly say that all he has done and continues to do for me(us)… he is definitely winning!

My recovery this time was dreadful. I felt a lot during my labor and delivery and I have the utmost respect for women who have a natural child/water/home birth with no drugs! You are seriously amazing! I was so traumatized after having her, that if this had been my experience with my first born, I would probably have only one child today. The icing on the cake was that shortly after giving birth, I was diagnosed with postpartum preeclampsia. I felt overwhelmed, scared, confused, exhausted… you know all of the normal feelings of a mother. Some nurses made it seem like it was an extremely serious condition, while others made it seem more common. Either way, Frank and I were both scared and if you’re anything like me, dear reader, my mind usually goes to worst case scenario. Not exactly a great spot to be when your blood pressure is through the roof. Google is not our friend. When searching for restaurants, or the newest boutiques or coffee joint, sure. Definitely not when you’re researching medical conditions. I got swooped up into the seriousness of it all. Every pain in my body I attested to it being something related to my preeclampsia and internally panicked. I did this for weeks which didn’t help my condition. Especially since I was instructed to take my blood pressure twice a day and try to regulate it with meds. Lord help me!

The fourth trimester is hard. It’s not something that you’re warned about. I think the most common misconception is that once you have a baby and are sent home that ALL IS GOOD. Of course there are the “sleep when the baby sleeps” jokes that float around, but what they fail to tell you is how much pain you’re going to experience. I could barely walk without pain. I cried at every move, and dreaded whenever I had to use the bathroom. It was awful and I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy. Pregnancy is hard. Labor is hard. Delivery is a bitch. Motherhood is hard. Living is hard. Everything is hard on some days, and on those days you may want to scream. And hey, if you do scream, just know that it’s fine! I’ve had meltdowns, worked through the hard and came out on the other side of it.  Life with two kids is definitely difficult at times. Getting into a new routine has been an adjustment, but we are all surviving and taking in all of the last “firsts.” Since Hailey is our last baby, this time around is bittersweet.

As this year winds down, I’m reminded of all that we’ve been through in 2019. Together and separately. Not only this year, but during our entire relationship. When you look back and remember where you have been and what you went through, it makes you appreciate the present and how precious it is. As many of us do this time of year, refection of the past and looking forward to what the next twelve months will bring is always an exciting time. A fresh start. I hope this year is good to all of you and I pray that blessings are on the horizon.

Thanks for reading, understanding and following my journey.

Happy New Year!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Xo,

 

Marisa